you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
