i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
