Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You were trust falling into bushes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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