hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i out mim tonsoeep
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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