So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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