every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im holly from the hills drunk
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
