just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
