forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
