Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
