i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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