Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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