Kiss
Puke
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I didn't notice because vodka
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
