the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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