You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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