New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
