I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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