It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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