I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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