They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
