you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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