i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
why is half of my head shaved?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
