Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
