I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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