OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
