So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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