I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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