I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
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I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.