i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.