glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.