At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
