So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
