You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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