"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
