I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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