I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
