i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
