seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
