I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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