How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
