dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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