eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
