ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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