I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
