so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
