when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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