my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
