as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
