From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
