I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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