Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
