GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
