I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am mentally ready for anal.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
