Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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