Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
