ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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