i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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