headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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