I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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