FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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