I'm going to jail i love you
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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