ya dads aren't the best wingmen
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
