I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
