Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
