Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
