at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
